Aaand SCENE!

Today started out great, and now I'm just mad. It occurs to me that I can still define my day however I like, but right now I'm fucking mad and when I'm mad I need to write, so here I am. Interestingly I'd opened up Blogger earlier to write while I was all blissed out but then the stupid shit hit the stupid fan and now I'm here mad, instead.

Okay, so try to track:

Dr. G is the psychiatrist with whom we have a mis-match to say it kindly.
SC is the new ARNP who is seeing N. So let me back up and timeline this a bit:

1. Met Dr. G. Had a horrific appointment which I now see I haven't written out. Typed it, here it is. 
2. Called his boss to ask for a second opinion on the recommendations Dr. G made about this new medication he wanted to put N on. During that conversation I simply mentioned that, "we were not a match", "I left upset", and "that if someone else is available we'd be interested in changing." I did not go into details about the appointment.
3. Had second appointment with Dr. G the following week. At that point he brought up the previous appt and we cleared the air about how we felt that went down. He did not respond to anything we said. We said that we'd still be willing to see him but that we understood if he did not want to see us. He said, "It's out of my hands, it's up to (our HMO) now." He did not say that he'd see us, or not see us, just absolved himself of answering.
4. We're told it will be several weeks before SC is available so we make appointments with Dr. G in the meantime. We feel fine with this and are surprised he's game for it but there it is, appointments made.
5. We are called and told the appointments have been rescheduled to be with SC who is suddenly available earlier. Sweet.
6. N sees SC and this is a great match. SC lets N know that he'll be out the next two weeks and leaves it up to R and N to decide if they want to see someone in the meantime. R feels ill equipped to know if we're on good enough footing to just not be seen for two weeks so elects to be seen by Dr. G for those two appointments while SC is gone. SC accompanies R and N to the front desk to make the appointments, at which time they call Dr. G to make sure he's willing to see N. He is, so the appointments are made. One for tomorrow, and one for next week.
7. Today I get a call from the HMO to confirm the appointment this week with W, the therapist, which I mix up, thinking they're talking about his appointment tomorrow. I call to clarify and say, "Our appointment is at 10:00 tomorrow with Dr. G." She says, very slowly and sort of confused, "No... that appointment was canceled." I say, we did not cancel it, as evidenced by me calling to confirm the appointment time. She puts me on hold for a long time, comes back and tells me she's waiting to speak with her manager, and then puts me on hold again. She sounds a little grumpy and she's very professional, I have the inkling that something is going down at that end she's unhappy about. I'm getting very angry. She puts me through to W, the therapist. Why the hell am I talking to W? I need to talk to someone who can tell me why the fuck these appointments were canceled and by whom, and why, and why no one bothered to tell me about it? The appointment lady is in total agreement with me and patches me through to W. I explain the timeline to W and basically rage and vent. She agrees that my concerns are legitimate and offers to put me through to the Department Manager person, and now I'm waiting for him to call me back.

So here's the thing. I feel like I'm being jacked around by this guy. The appointments didn't magically just cancel themselves, and I would have taken N out of school, driven up there and not known these appointments were canceled. Someone canceled them.

If Dr. G doesn't want to work with us he could have said no, and he could have asked the front desk to just let us k now he needed to reschedule and that we'd see SC when he got back from vacation. Instead, someone canceled these damn appointments. It all sounds really stupid as I write it out but this has been going on with this guy for too long. I hate that I feel like a picky, noisy patient. I hate that the people who are supposed to help my child are literally putting obstacles between him and his care. I hate being asked if I "have any concerns" about what's going on with the medicaiton because how the fuck would I know?! I can't ask him questions because I do not have a context for his answers. He tells me he's having harming thoughts and all I can do is think, oh shit! Where the provider can ask more questions and paint a picture of it and be able to say, "In light of these things, we're okay, or we're not okay." So expecting us to navigate that is ridiculous.

IN the meantime there's no one else in distance who can see N during these next two weeks so whoever canceled those appointments has ensured that we're on our own with no provider for the next two weeks. This is my CHILD. This is not my car, or my pet. This is my kid. The providers are our lifeline right now. They breathe air into us as we suffocate with the heaviness of all of this, by giving us context and information, and hope. If we don't have allies on that side, what do we have?

So this needs to be straightened out ASAP and it's at the point now where if I find out for sure he canceled those appointments, I will file a complaint against him. This is ridiculous. At the end of hte day we are compliant patients who show up, take the medications, practice the exercises and are showing improvement. We are clear in our communication, compassionate to ourselves and to them with our boundaries, we show up on time, pay our co-pays, and even give the benefit of the doubt far beyond what is deserved. So they need to figure this shit out.