Transition

Being a parent is hard. It's hard in ways that no stupid magazine article or book with several credentialed authors can describe to you. There's no way to prepare for it. You can read what it's like to climb a mountain or give birth, but you have to walk through it to know how far you'll be pushed and what you'll be willing to do to survive the experiences. Parenting = same thing.

Things are going pretty darn well right now I'd say. The providers N is seeing are great and I feel like we're in a good place now. Dr. G is overseeing the ARNP (SC) that we're currently working with, so that's a little weird. I am increasingly grateful that he won't be working directly with us and that there will be a knowledgeable filter between him and us. Little things, like during our last appointment when he said that if N didn't seem to get better that we'd have to 'look at a personality disorder'. When SC mentioned personality disorders, he said, "We don't even look for them in teens because you all bounce between personality disorders." It made me wonder why Dr. G ever brought it up? He's an M.D. where SC is an ARNP, and I trust SC far more than Dr. G.

SC decided to take N off the olanzapine which is a mixed bag for us. The never-ending 'what will this mean' cycle of thought, but we're getting better at hopping off of the future-telling train that really goes no where good. It's not like we ever imagine that he'll be better and have a normal life. We can only ever imagine at hte very least, that we'll be worried about this for the rest of his life, and at worst, that he'll kill himself, hurt someone, end up in prison or a mental hospital or god only knows what. The imagination is brutal and unrestrained. Sometimes I want to punch it.

He's apparently having nightmares which I think I will suggest to W (his therapist) that they start really addressing. The providers are encouraging us to get familiar with DBT (I call it diabolical therapy because I just can never remember what it's called lol), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's based in mindfulness which I'm familiar with. I haven't read a single word about it. I feel like I'm full up on this whole area of my life and can do no more than I'm doing, and I fear that I'm cheating him of a knowledgeable person at home who can help hold down the structure of what the providers feel would benefit him most. It's a lot of pressure.

Ultimately we've learned a lot and every time he has a life experience he learns that he can have the experience and recover, and go back to baseline. That's great, it's hugely educational for him and definitely indicative of healing. We are learning not to take every single panic attack for a doomsday event and let it run our lives, but rather let him have time and space to recover, and then get him back in the game of life.

All of this emotional management still leaves me overwhelmed at times but it's all worth it- he's worth it. I wonder what it must be like to be in my life, when I'm having a panic attack or anxious or whatever.

Anyway, I feel like we're turning under the wheel of transition, in several areas of my life, and it's uncomfortable and I don't know the future and I'm not sure I love the present. There's a lot of joy and opportunities to love each other and I have to just keep focused on that, and know that the discomfort passes.