Time to just start relaxing. I think. I'm scared to, but it is starting to feel safer. N is getting really good success with his medications. He hasn't had suicidal ideations in weeks, and the other harmful thoughts are greatly diminished. He feels he is sleeping much better and without waking up, and the nightmares are more fuzzy and less vivid which is a goal.
As I understand it the Prozac kind of catches the symptoms and eases them. Sometimes some will fall through the cracks, like suicidal thoughts, nightmares, etc. The olanzapine has been added to catch what is falling through. We want him on the olanzapine for as short a time as possible as it has some pretty scary side effects (over time). So far, four nights in, we're just seeing the good things.
We had a decent appointment with the psychiatrist. I'm not 100% confident he's our guy. I don't like him, he rubs me in the wrong ways and so I don't necessarily trust his intentions. Not that he's out to do anything but help N, but there's a little bit of a manipulative side of him that keeps me feeling on-guard. Our appointment yesterday went fairly well - Dr. G had brought in a nurse who is on staff there with a lot of experience but (this rankles me, which is why I'm writing it) didn't ask us if it was okay, he just said she'd be joining us. I swear, for a guy who likes to tell us how experienced he is, he sure doesn't know shit about making safe space. We went through N's symptoms and noted that there is lots of improvement, and R peppered him with really good questions. Dr. G is very forthcoming and there is no mystery for the most part, which is nice.
As we wrapped the appointment, the nurse and N stepped out so she could get a baseline weight on him, and Dr. G started talking about scheduling our next appointment, which brought a question from R about frequency. Dr. G said, "Oh... I'm sorry, I misunderstand. I thought you were unhappy with my services and asked to be moved to another provider." *shudder* It wasn't said with confidence or curiosity, it was more like... blech. I don't know. Icky. Anyway, that prompted me to say, "Can we talk about our last appointment?" I was intending to give bullet points of our experience in a 'compliment sandwich'. I might have accomplished it in a fast-food kind of sloppy burger kind of way, but the nurse and N walked in mid-stream and I didn't know what to do - so I kept talking, ugh! I feel badly about that. I don't think there's a purpose in giving feedback if you aren't going to be heard, and I certainly didn't participate in a safe environment to make that happen. (That's probably what I should say when I speak with him.) We basically back-pedaled and acknowledged that N really likes and seems to trust him an that we do trust his information (we definitely do), but that we'd understand if he didn't want to work with us. He just kept repeating, "GHC has decided we aren't to work together." I was really confused because that's not how it works, and maybe because he's new he doesn't know that, I don't know. I've been chewing on the appointment ever since and I'm glad that I've had time to sleep on it. I do actually think we should move to someone else- I don't like having to guard myself every time I go in there and worry about the little ways he delivers information that feels so gross to me.
Onward, we were able to talk about how much N has improved and I just felt like the breath started to expand in my chest a little bit, for the first time in a long time. This has been going on steadily, a daily trial, since a year ago in March, and most intensely since this last March. I want to believe that this can shift, he can feel better, that we can wean off these drugs eventually, and that I won't have to spend his entire life wondering if he's going to have an impulse to kill himself again and take it. I have to just let myself believe that's possible sometimes, and increasingly, so I can not live at this level of adrenaline and fear. So today that's what I'm working on- believing another future is possible. Believing we can get through today with no emergencies and acknowledging that yesterday there were no emergencies. That soon I'll have a son in a bad mood and be able to trust that he's not going to go hurt himself because he's mad at me. That I can pull up in my driveway without taking a deep breath to steady myself, and talking myself into walking through the door and not driving away. That I can take deep breaths for the hell of it, and not because I can't breathe all the time. It feels good to think so. :)
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