Routines, apathy, and along for the ride

At this point, I feel like I'm along for the ride. We're having weekly appointments with both SC and W. N seems to be improving slowly but steadily, but there are these setbacks each week, which then lead to a medication review, and subsequent adjustment. Weekly. This means that I have stopped giving a shit which medications he's on. I can't even begin to hold this information when he's now on four different drugs, several times per day, just to medicate the whackadoo things going through his brain that lead him to confusion, worrisome thoughts, and suffering. Well, to be fair, it leads us all to suffering, ultimately.

I'm just frustrated. I don't want my kid on these drugs. I don't want him to be depressed. I want the future for him that I imagined, which goddamnit, wasn't even that detailed. I want to feel that feeling where you assume your child will out-live you, and where the trajectory will be somewhat, you know... normal?

On the good side of things, boy, it's so good to see that kid smile. He's been the most patient and thoughtful with his sister than I've ever seen, ever, and that scares me a little but I'm trying to enjoy it. He is laughing and smiling more easily than I've ever seen. He's affectionate of his own volition. He actually reached out to his dad after he self-managed a crisis episode, and told him about what happened. That might be a first. Who is this kid?

So if I have to let go and not care that my kid is crazy-medicated, that I go to the appointments and feel like I have very little of value to say, and the payoff is that I've surrendered to the forces-at-be and in that collusion, am getting THIS kid? I'll fucking take it. It goes against what I value and believe is right- to be an advocate in my care, my child's care. I have to stand by and let N advocate for himself, becuase ultimately, this is his training ground. I can't step in every five seconds. I think it's good for him and his provider relationship that I walk in, ask a few questions but largely leave it all to the two of them. Maybe there's something really awesome about that. I can only hope. I've leapt off the cliff of any recognizable territory long ago and I'm just hoping there aren't jagged rocks covered in alligators with spines on their backs waiting for me at the bottom. Guess we'll see.