Such an interesting process, all of this. I have spent the last probably week just feeling very flat and having trouble knowing what, if anything, I was feeling. Today, I feel hopeful. Yep. I wrote it down- I feel hopeful. It's okay if I pay for that later, because feeling this feeling right now is worth it.
We saw N's therapist W today, and she's lovely and cares a lot for N. We got to talk about some contextual things, like his drawings, and how we (his parents) can focus on one tiny thing and think it has a lot of meaning, forgetting that he's a teenager who is still going to have teen-agery interests and feelings and moods. W advised that we look at the bigger picture. If he's drawing dark things, is he withdrawing, moodier, angry, cutting, etc.? Or is he happy, relaxed, communicative, etc.? It helps to think about things in this way sot hat we don't get triggered every time an 'old' behavior pops up. He's still a kid, having that experience, along with the rest of this.
So we're driving to the coffee shop after his appointment and I just have this sense of, "new normal" wash over me. There's my sweet boy, his music bumping through the speakers, a little crooked smile on his face, the sun washing through the sunroof, and he's alive and he's okay. And we're all okay too. We're definitely looking a little rough these days, but we're still clinging to each other and supporting each other. We're still a family, and we're intact, even if a little torn for it. I'll take it. :)
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