Drugs

Tonight is the first night of the olanzapine. We're adding it to the fluoxetine. Brand names - Prozac & Zyprexa. I hate them. I'm grateful and I hate them at the same time. Tonight I gave N a tiny little white pill, the size of a small bead. Within 30 minutes he was passed out hard, asleep in his bed.

The psychiatrist thinks that this combination of drugs will help him get into a deeper, more restorative sleep.

I don't want to know what I know about this process, I want to go back to being oblivious that this could ever happen to us. I'm fucking angry.

We need to stop the harmful thoughts he's having and even after a second opinion, this seems to be the way we're supposed to go. I don't know. I wish I could give him weed and let that be enough. I am up at almost 2:00 afraid to go to sleep in case he slips into a coma and I don't know. I've walked into his room four times now, put on the light, watched to make sure he's breathing, noted that he's moved from the last time I saw him. I'm not googling signs of coma. I'm not googling anything, not even more side effects of this drug combination. I'm scared for him to have it and I'm scared for him not to have it. I'm scared that this will not end, and that he'l be bouncing around medications and suicidal thoughts for the rest of his life. I'm scared that our fight will be long and miserable and end in his early death anyway. I'm scared of an unknown future and I'm scared to hope that it might be just the ticket, the combination that gets him to well. I'm scared that tomorrow he'll wake up and have a flat affect, feel no joy.  I'm scared when I call him down for dinner and he doesn't answer right away. I'm just scared all the time.