Right now he's sitting across the living room from me and he looks well rested. He's having sweets for breakfast which is his norm and thumbing through Facebook. I stayed up until 3:30am checking on him a total of 5 times before going to bed myself. I woke up at 8 and checked on him, and while he didn't pop right up like he usually does (ultimately, a good thing, considering our goals), I was able to lay next to him and hold him for a few minutes while he woke up, and have a quick, normal, every day chat.
I think my anxiety level went down about 5 points. Now to see over time how this affects him. But the scary first night is over and it's Saturday, with no plans, no E here to prevent me from going back to bed if I want. R is at his sister's wedding and it's going to be a beautiful celebration for their family, and I hope that his time there is restorative for him too.
What am I grateful for today -
- N's alive. Not only is he alive, he ultimately is so much better than he was before March 14th. That was such a huge turning point and while I'm still dealing with my own trauma over this whole thing I'm grateful that he was able to communicate his desperate need for help. I'm grateful we were equipped to really listen and act.
- I'm grateful for most of the care we've had along the way- while the system is broken in a lot of ways, people are still very kind and doing their very best to help N be well, and strong.
- I'm grateful that N has a desire to be well, and to be alive, and to not have the thoughts he's having.
- I'm grateful that he's a kind, communicative kid who seeks connection with us in the ways he knows how, and who hasn't given up on himself. I need to write that one again.
- I'm so fucking grateful he hasn't given up on himself.
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